G-ma in da House

Grandma said these things happen in threes. After smashing her coffee plunger (for one) this morning and with the 'insurance people' still to come, I couldn't help but sense the onset of immense miserableness wasn't far away. Sure enough, because the robbing scamps didn't actually beat me to death and spread me around in various Hyde Park bins, I won't be getting any moolah from Churchill for the £600 worth of my worldly possessions that I lost. I'm still awaiting number three, although learning that I'll probably never see my beloved grey hoody again is making my larynx ache as if I'm about to cry. New rule: Simon does not lend out favoured garments. Ever.

The worst part of all this added expense is that I'll be forced to continue fixing my clothes with duct tape. It's becoming all a bit ridiculous - quite like being very aroused by both Rihanna and a girl at Glastonbury who were dressed like/looked JUST like Slash.

Woof?

Aside from my misery business, my good friend Si (professional lad, has an iMac) and I finally sorted a flat to live happily ever after in. Living above friends Tom, James and Adam on the top floor of a miniature Hogwarts in Headingley's outskirts, we are green lit to some mega-fun times ahead. The landlord has already started preparing the flat to our pretty mediocre standards and will be moved in by the time I start my placement; the thought of which constantly lingers and chills me to my very core. Euuurgh.

It would also appear that I have fended off the fiends of Rent Inc. who launched some pretty outrageous charges at me after moving out of my old flat on Hyde Park Road. Being British, I sent a strongly-worded email to tell them just what I thought and signed off my email with, "given the circumstances, I trust that the invoice will be rescinded and no future correspondence will be required". Nearly a month on, it's gone a bit quiet over there. Still, I do wish I'd have walked into the office and unleashed some mayhem. Maybe throw a chair. Maybe model myself on this chap and really mess with their heads:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTFOncppkJg

Myself and a few friends spent a few days visiting my beloved friend Reid (fan of weather, liquid drum and bass and moving as far away from home as possible) in Exeter at the weekend, which was just lovely. It was cracking to spend some time with him and what's left of his beautiful locks. In a nutshell:

• We went bowling which was fun and then irritating.


• I threw the ball into my knee because I'd been drinking.


• I saw a swan fly into a bridge

• Reid's girlfriend Helen has an awesome new bob


• Everyone said the word 'titties' at least 7 times.


• We drank Desperado's in a bar where you couldn't stand up.
  

• I unleashed a fierce comeback, suggesting my friend Matt (married, entertaining, arsehole) had fat fingers.

With having Grandma (G-ma) insist I watch Who Do You Think You Are? with her whilst and Mum insisting I download Plan B for her to linedance to, home time has been less than exciting. A trip to Kendal to see everyone's favourite redhead, Becca this weekend will provide me with some cultural interest and escape the absolute mundanity of this weird vortex in Cleck-Hudders-Fax...wherever the hell this place is. Bring on the cheese and cracker-thon, red wine, locals, scenery and children's playground for a midnight swing (although I fear it won't be quite the same without Holly):

Holly Andrews: Spethal

I'm looking forward to going to Wax:On at the end of September. With Fake Blood, Nero, Krafty Kuts and Boy 8 Bit to name but four acts to excite the pants off me, it promises to be a night we'll all be hopefully talking about in the year(s) to come. With Muse (Old Trafford), Cancer Bats (Cockpit) and Gallows (Joseph's Well) to follow, things are shaping up real swell from now 'till the next religious holiday.

I've been seeing a lot written about Caribou recently, which I'm pleased about. I saw him and his amazing live act at Pukkelpop in 2008 and is fast becoming another increasingly badly-kept secret - which is no bad thing I suppose. I like anything centering around live drumming and distinctly remember Caribou (Dan Snaith) dropping his guitar and picking up his sticks in a building drum rhythm that was totally compelling, trippy and atmospheric. 'Melody Day' is my bestest song:

Caribou - Melody Day (www.youtube.com/watch?v=QklfmJ4vfLs)

Best buddy Michael and I are hoping to catch Leeds' Dinosaur Pile-Up in October if funds/babysitters permit. Despite me being a bit slow on the uptake, they've impressed me very much and can't wait for their album release. Do you like apples? You do? Well, how do you like these apples?:

Dinosaur Pile-Up - Birds and Planes (www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg4u2RjuXio)

This track gives me a cracking screw-face. Lovely stuff.

Schimon x

It's Just Like Watching The Bill

Having spent a happy and relatively rape-free year in LS6, the criminals of Hyde Park (who flock from all over the UK like elephants to a watering hole) finally caught up with me in the early hours of Saturday 7th August.


Having watched Youth in Revolt (a superb film with not one but two Michael Cera characters - cashback) with only my second Crispy pizza of the week, I was looking forward to a nice long sleepy-sleep in preparation for a whole lot of nothing much the next day.

Having fallen asleep, I was awoken at 3am having felt some sense that something wasn't quite right - I couldn't decipher whether it was a noise or whether I just felt a presence in my room. Either way, I woke up staring at a dark, blurry shadow crouched down beside my bed.

Dazed and confused, I asked who they were and what they were doing (I should have asked for some ID and what their career goals were while I was at it) before it became all too apparent who they were and what they wanted. Shitsticks - I was in trouble.

The man told me to "shut the fuck up" which I thought was very rude and (having already tendered to taking my laptop) ordered me to give him the related charger. The man then asked me for my phone. Now, this phone had been in my life since the early 21st century and shared with it a pretty special bond and for this reason I was pretty reluctant to hand it over. "Please don't take the phone", I said. "It's worthless, it's a piece of shit, it's not worth anything".

This plea didn't go down too well, I must say. From this desperation, two more dark, blurry shadows entered the room with more barks of "shut the fuck up", this time with the addition of "or I'll smash your face in", before an empty bottle of Smirnoff was waved in my direction. The vodka bottle was then thrust in my face and I was told to "get down and don't look up". By this point, I decided it was probably definitely best for me to do as they say.

So they carried on looking around the room, asking where my money and wallet were whilst the Smifnoff bottle was continuing to make an imprint in the back of my head. Although they didn't believe me when I said I didn't have any money and didn't own a wallet, they soon gave up searching around the room and choosing not to kill me or bum me, they left in a bit of a stuttery anti-climax.

It had been a pretty naff end to what had been another wonderful week of whacky goings on. From breaking into Adam's (karma?) to make him a cup of tea and start up Pro Evo to being wingman of the year and from a debaucherous night at Crisis to alter-egos called Felix, life was just swell.


Adam and I sampled Hifi last Sunday and in the process discovered a chap called Jack Flash. Performing alongside The Rob Durbin Trio, Jack had a killer tongue on him and got the crowd going right from the start. I later discovered he is a World Freestyle champion hailing from Huddersfield and is well worth a listen:

Jack Flash - Strength to Strength (www.youtube.com/watch?v=Peoinappugg)


I'd love to say that it was Jack who stole the show, who also took part in an impromptu MC battle after closing, but it was the sheer volume of outrageously beautiful girls who made up the clientele. Dear oh dear.

I went down to possibly Leeds' worst musical venue on Wednesday to lean on on a pool table and peer behind a poorly placed column to watch Loose Talk Costs Lives. Featuring in the NME Glastonbury Special, they're described as 'skittish angular pop with math-rock heart' and do somewhat live up to Foals/Vampire Weekend comparisons. There's an underlying technical tightness throughout the band with a good onstage chemistry and energy which makes them ever-so-easy on the eye. Best of all, their songs are so freaking catchy (www.myspace.com/loosetalkcostslivesuk).

Post Loose Talking at Elbow Rooms, it was home to check out Luke's newly recorded track with i swim with sharks, as well as welcoming Loose Talk's James and Liam into our musical den which to discuss the gig, The Gallows (whom I definitely have a ticket for their Joseph's Well gig in November) and how James had become so grey.

On another brave adventure which almost warped my musical genre-dar beyond repair, there were more new artists sent my way than I could have swung a self-defensive baseball bat at. A chap called Ash Grunwald is one cool mothertrucker and his track 'Mojo' was no doubt my find of the night. I like to think if it as Seasick Steve joining Jamiroquai, locking Jay Kay in a cupboard and getting Cee-Lo Green from Gnarls Barkley and Prince to throw something down together (www.myspace.com/ashgrunwald). I figure this track could stop any would-be thieves in their tracks as their primary focus would shift to getting their funk on.

Luke's aforementioned new track with i swim with sharks 'Just Be Good' can be very much enjoyed at www.myspace.com/iswimwithsharksofficial.

Having spent much of the day with the po-lice on Saturday and feeling a bit chod, I decided that the only thing that could cheer me up was to give myself a handlebar moustache. With the people around me not even noticing 'till late Sunday, that too was a bit of a failure. However, along with some increasingly large sideburns and long hair, I'm slowly morphing into someone who could have so easily been in Beastie Boys' Sabotage video - which I like.