It's Just Like Watching The Bill

Having spent a happy and relatively rape-free year in LS6, the criminals of Hyde Park (who flock from all over the UK like elephants to a watering hole) finally caught up with me in the early hours of Saturday 7th August.


Having watched Youth in Revolt (a superb film with not one but two Michael Cera characters - cashback) with only my second Crispy pizza of the week, I was looking forward to a nice long sleepy-sleep in preparation for a whole lot of nothing much the next day.

Having fallen asleep, I was awoken at 3am having felt some sense that something wasn't quite right - I couldn't decipher whether it was a noise or whether I just felt a presence in my room. Either way, I woke up staring at a dark, blurry shadow crouched down beside my bed.

Dazed and confused, I asked who they were and what they were doing (I should have asked for some ID and what their career goals were while I was at it) before it became all too apparent who they were and what they wanted. Shitsticks - I was in trouble.

The man told me to "shut the fuck up" which I thought was very rude and (having already tendered to taking my laptop) ordered me to give him the related charger. The man then asked me for my phone. Now, this phone had been in my life since the early 21st century and shared with it a pretty special bond and for this reason I was pretty reluctant to hand it over. "Please don't take the phone", I said. "It's worthless, it's a piece of shit, it's not worth anything".

This plea didn't go down too well, I must say. From this desperation, two more dark, blurry shadows entered the room with more barks of "shut the fuck up", this time with the addition of "or I'll smash your face in", before an empty bottle of Smirnoff was waved in my direction. The vodka bottle was then thrust in my face and I was told to "get down and don't look up". By this point, I decided it was probably definitely best for me to do as they say.

So they carried on looking around the room, asking where my money and wallet were whilst the Smifnoff bottle was continuing to make an imprint in the back of my head. Although they didn't believe me when I said I didn't have any money and didn't own a wallet, they soon gave up searching around the room and choosing not to kill me or bum me, they left in a bit of a stuttery anti-climax.

It had been a pretty naff end to what had been another wonderful week of whacky goings on. From breaking into Adam's (karma?) to make him a cup of tea and start up Pro Evo to being wingman of the year and from a debaucherous night at Crisis to alter-egos called Felix, life was just swell.


Adam and I sampled Hifi last Sunday and in the process discovered a chap called Jack Flash. Performing alongside The Rob Durbin Trio, Jack had a killer tongue on him and got the crowd going right from the start. I later discovered he is a World Freestyle champion hailing from Huddersfield and is well worth a listen:

Jack Flash - Strength to Strength (www.youtube.com/watch?v=Peoinappugg)


I'd love to say that it was Jack who stole the show, who also took part in an impromptu MC battle after closing, but it was the sheer volume of outrageously beautiful girls who made up the clientele. Dear oh dear.

I went down to possibly Leeds' worst musical venue on Wednesday to lean on on a pool table and peer behind a poorly placed column to watch Loose Talk Costs Lives. Featuring in the NME Glastonbury Special, they're described as 'skittish angular pop with math-rock heart' and do somewhat live up to Foals/Vampire Weekend comparisons. There's an underlying technical tightness throughout the band with a good onstage chemistry and energy which makes them ever-so-easy on the eye. Best of all, their songs are so freaking catchy (www.myspace.com/loosetalkcostslivesuk).

Post Loose Talking at Elbow Rooms, it was home to check out Luke's newly recorded track with i swim with sharks, as well as welcoming Loose Talk's James and Liam into our musical den which to discuss the gig, The Gallows (whom I definitely have a ticket for their Joseph's Well gig in November) and how James had become so grey.

On another brave adventure which almost warped my musical genre-dar beyond repair, there were more new artists sent my way than I could have swung a self-defensive baseball bat at. A chap called Ash Grunwald is one cool mothertrucker and his track 'Mojo' was no doubt my find of the night. I like to think if it as Seasick Steve joining Jamiroquai, locking Jay Kay in a cupboard and getting Cee-Lo Green from Gnarls Barkley and Prince to throw something down together (www.myspace.com/ashgrunwald). I figure this track could stop any would-be thieves in their tracks as their primary focus would shift to getting their funk on.

Luke's aforementioned new track with i swim with sharks 'Just Be Good' can be very much enjoyed at www.myspace.com/iswimwithsharksofficial.

Having spent much of the day with the po-lice on Saturday and feeling a bit chod, I decided that the only thing that could cheer me up was to give myself a handlebar moustache. With the people around me not even noticing 'till late Sunday, that too was a bit of a failure. However, along with some increasingly large sideburns and long hair, I'm slowly morphing into someone who could have so easily been in Beastie Boys' Sabotage video - which I like.